If I could meet myself from 4 years ago, I would probably lock eyes with her, not even in a light playful way, and muster,

“Get yourself together, woman. You’re a freaking mess.”

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I’m ever-changing.

The constitution of my identity is:

Transformation, self-reflection, and the audacity to show up.

With that said, I’ll cut the 23-year-old version of me, let’s call her,

“Ms. Disempowered,” some slack because —

Ms. Disempowered lived fiercely scarce in all her ways of thinking, feeling, and being.

She beautifully painted her life in self-pity, as if her life’s circumstances were not in her control — therefore, why not romanticize all the missed opportunities?

She didn’t know how to handle criticism, constructive criticism and even self-criticism. Even worse, she was skilled at criticizing, self-judgment, and giving unsolicited opinions.

In Korean culture, they call our ability to socially navigate the world around us with emotional intelligence, “ nunchi.” (Term credited from my boyfriend’s spectacular reading collection)

I unconsciously practiced “BAD nunchi” all the way.

I would frown when someone complimented me.

My mom would be nearly in tears because, in all my Student of the Month snapshot pictures, frowning was my facial mode of default.

“How dare Mrs. Zimmerman recognize my accidental accomplishments and put me on the stage for the world to watch my imposter syndrome on full display,” was my thought because even at 8 years old…believing I was good enough was so damn hard.

*Note to Mrs. Zimmerman: You were a great teacher, sorry I was such a pain in your ass. May you rest in peace.

Before I cleaned up my act, my scarcity-pessimistic mindset not surprisingly, reflected in the love and romance department as well.

I walked into each relationship without any idea of what I wanted. So what I received lacked true fulfillment.

I coped by drinking, being nihilistic, and attracted friendships that reflected the same level of disdain for living.

Because I lacked confidence, I also attracted jobs that weren’t fulfilling with bosses that didn’t see my fullest potential.

In all my life problems, the common denominator was ultimately me.

The reflection I received from the universe was being cheated on, being rebounded, being the receiver of backhanded compliments and implied gas ceilings. I was the problem. I didn’t treat myself with the proper respect I knew I deserved, therefore, why should life?

You don’t get in life what you want, you get in life what you are.

“Change your conception of yourself and you will automatically change the world in which you live.”

— Neville Goddard

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I’m not going to lie to your face and tell you that my year so far is perfect.

But my perception and response to what occurs in my life feels more at ease as I’m happily working on leveling up from all my shortcomings.

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Confidence doesn’t just turn on like a switch once you’ve had a massive epiphany. Confidence is riding the spectrum of not letting the hiccups in life rob you after you change your belief systems.

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You move the needle and acknowledge the bigger picture of progress rather than micro-analyzing it.

Fast forward to today. What does my life look like?

I’m in a relationship with a partner that doesn’t shy away from my imperfections, is patient with my continued growth, and supports me by championing all the love I put into my passion projects.

My friendships and the social circle I now surround myself with keeps me constantly inspired, humbled, encouraging me to show up as my best self.

I live in a home environment where I feel nourished, taken care of, respected, and understood.

I don’t have a boss anymore. I run my own business, on my own terms, and attract clients that respect the delivery of my work through mutual respect and collaboration.

I no longer depend on alcohol. And don’t miss it.

I am not ashamed of showing up fully for myself both in my throws of joys and discomfort.

I don’t repress my emotional growing pains or humiliate my shortcomings. I allow myself to feel into being upset, angry. In return, I reach emotional heights when I experience happiness, inspiration, gratitude, and connection with others.

Most importantly, I smile. Unabashedly smile, and laugh so wide — I could put my mom and Mrs. Zimmerman to tears.